Tuesday, June 29, 2010

How to Give a Pill to a Cat and to a Dog

Ok, this one if for any of you that may not be having the best day/week/month (or like me - not the best year...), hope it gives you a good laugh :)

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.


Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.


Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.


4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.


Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.




Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.


Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.


Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.


Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.


10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.


Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.


Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.


Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.


14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.



15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.




How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air



I love cats (and dogs) so I want to assure you that no kitties were hurt over this post! :)

7 comments:

  1. Hee! Hee! I hope that pic of the 3rd cat from the last was altered in some way! Yikes, that's a scary kitty! I love kitties & dogs, but yep, wrap meds in bacon (or any lunchmeat) & you're good to go! Big Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I do not have a cat, but this is hysterical! Thanks for the chuckle today! Happy 4th!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Have you been to my house lately.....I go thru this stuff every dang day of my life as two of my kitties require daily pills......Very cute post...

    ReplyDelete
  4. A really great blog and I love all the cat pics :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. This made me laugh. Don't have any cats right now, but I've been there in the past. And bacon makes everything better, right?

    ReplyDelete

Thank you so much for your comments! I always LOVE to hear from you!